I’ve just had an interesting, and honestly rather fucked-up thought. before I share it with you, however, I think you need some back story so as to not think I’m completely mad. Three points really, the first being that I’ve had 2 Redbulls and a cup of coffee within the last 6 hours. The second is that I’ve recently started rewatching Criminal Minds on Netflix, and subsequently I’ve started to learn and think more about psychology and criminology. Neither of the first two points are uncommon for me, as most of my friends know. I have an affinity for pretty much all caffeinated beverages AND I find both psychology and criminology positively fascinating. The third point is a bit odd with respect to my normal behaviors, though. This is where this post gets…R-rated? It’s about kink, and consent and a hookup I recently had (and thoroughly enjoyed, mind you). I discovered a particular kink not too long ago, one of the aspects of which is being called, or calling others, “good boy” or ”good girl.” Before you judge me and get all huffy, just remember that you’re an adult. Please act like one. I digress; I’ve come to quite enjoy this kink, at least in theory, so when my hookup-to-be said he’d oblige some of my curiosities, I was thrilled. To sum it up in a non-pornographic manner, I was asked, “do you want to be a good boy?” as an incentive for performing a specific act. I happily obeyed, and have no regrets. This isn’t a telling of how I feel like I’ve been abused or coerced, but now, several days later, it’s gotten me thinking about how closely we kinksters walk the line between kink and abuse.
Let’s take a look at a kink, or category thereof to be more specific, that we’ve all probably heard of: BDSM. For those of you not hip to the lingo, BDSM stands for “bondage, discipline (or domination), sadism, and masochism.” This kink often involves dominant and submissive partners, practices involving pain such as flogging and hot wax, the restraining of one or more partners with ropes or straps, and lots of role-playing. This is an elementary explanation, and I encourage you to read more from people more experienced than myself if you’re curious. What I aim to highlight is that, to an outsider, these practices can look extremely abusive, and without proper consent, can be. What separates tying a partner to a bed and restraining a rape victim is consent and communication. My hookup and I discussed what each other wanted and agreed to a set of rules; he didn’t just assume he could get what he wanted out of me and be done with it, and neither did I.
This brings up a question then: Where is the line? What is considered abuse, and what is considered consensual? that’s not a simple question to answer. everybody is different, every relationship and hookup has different dynamics, and everyone has their own limits and interests. Kink can turn into abuse, however. It’s a fine line for some, and a glaring stripe for others, and I certainly can’t answer the question for you. And neither can anyone else. This is something that’s been on my mind for a few hours and I thought it’d make an interesting, however morbid, discussion of sexuality, consent, and abuse, and what ties them together as well as separates them.